In the Pouring Rain.

Every time I see you

Lyssa — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 07:59:13 +0000

I get a little bit jealous.
I get jealous because I feel like I’m being replaced.
Whenver I’m near, I hear you say my nickname that you gave me, and when I turn my head I see you go up to someone else.
It’s like that nickname wasn’t ever mine.
It’s like we never met–we were never friends.

I can’t stand it.
You haven’t crossed my mind once…until I heard you call that person by a nickname that used to be mine.
Am I that easy to replace?

I love talking to people I haven’t talked to in a while.

Lyssa — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 04:35:51 +0000

I love talking to my Charlie Brown.
I hardly ever get the opportunity to talk to him because he’s so busy and whenever I’m free, it’s too late.
But I don’t know.
The things we talk about are things I never really knew about him.
I love getting to know him better, improving our friendship.
The future will be good to him.
This I hope.

This blog is dead

Lyssa — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 08:17:28 +0000

People don’t read this blog because I just don’t have anything to say anymore, and if I do, I say it on Tumblr amongst all the rebloggings of cute pictures and quotes.
I just don’t know.
There’s a lot on my mind right now and I just can’t let it sink in.
The people that used this blog to get dirt on me don’t read it anymore because I don’t do anything scandalous that they can create a story about.
My life has gotten boring to everyone because they can’t twist anything around anymore.
And I like it.

People can change into someone you don’t want them to be

Lyssa — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 08:12:17 +0000

Have you ever liked someone and it really seems like they’re into you too, but then you find out they’re not into you at all?
It’s weird because you were so sure, I mean…you haven’t really known them for long, and then you two say you had feelings for each other in the past, but now…now you have nothing.
He moves on, and you’re trying to hold on to the friendship you have with him, even though he’s always flirtatious.
You should move on too, because there’s no point in waiting for someone who doesn’t intend going towards you. You’ll always be like an older sister to him and nothing more.
Maybe in the future the relationship between you two will become even greater than it is already, but you don’t know for sure. It’s always a maybe.

I hate how people change. One moment they’re just a bad person who doesn’t care what they did was bad. Now, they’re a bad person in disguise and when they do something bad, they must confess.

032311

Lyssa — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 02:57:06 +0000

Well today wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.
I actually had fun in dance class–I participated more.
There was this one dance thing we had to choreograph with our groups of 3.
I had one guy and one girl in my group and our dance had to include using a chair.
The guy was going to jump over the chair as the girl went under it, while I ran to the chair, holding it down after the guy jumped so the girl wouldn’t knock it over.
Then when the girl got up, I took the chair and ran to another spot to set it.
The guy would jump off the chair while the girl danced around it.
Then I would sit on the chair with my arms away from me, while the other two lifted the chair and spun around so it’s like I’m flying.
Then I’d get down, and the guy would go under the chair, while both me and the other girl sat on it.
And that was our routine.
Luckily when we performed it, I didn’t fall…I fell during the run through.
And everyone was amazed because we spun really fast and nothing bad happened.
In Listener’s Approach Dr. Doyle decided to go take the class to see a wind quintet consisting of CSULB alumni perform in the Daniel Recital Hall.
I wondered if Mark would be there and it turns out he was the clarinetist for the quintet.
It was weird being in class without James there. I felt alone but luckily the quintet performed for the whole hour.
Then Linda and I were supposed to go apply for jobs but that didn’t work because we got sidetracked and went to Anolin’s house to go see her new bulldog puppy. Then we caught up while eating ube ice cream.
It’s sprinkling out as I drove Linda to Starbucks so she could meet up with Paul.
Wind ensemble was done and it was still raining so I took Debbie and Alex home.
Debbie didn’t say much, I guess she had a lot on her mind, but after she left, Alex and I started talking a lot.
I don’t know there’s always something to talk about–even though it’s usually music.
He believes that I can become that music major in good standing.
I, however, think that every positive thing he says about me is a lie.
Maybe it’s not a lie, I don’t know.
But anyways, I plan on going to church on Sunday.
I told him I would.

I guess you can say I’m kind of pathetic

Lyssa — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 04:20:06 +0000

It’s very difficult for me to make friends within the music department because all they ever do is talk about music: theory, counterpoint, their pieces they’re working on, and different models of instruments. I can never really catch on.
I’m hardly ever in the music department because everytime I’m there someone approachs me to talk about pieces. And all I do is smile and nod my head, acting like I know what they’re talking about.
I don’t go around saying, “I sold my E11 to buy that A clarinet so I can switch it off with my R13 in orchestra” because I have no idea what that means.
Okay, so I lied. I do know what that means, but not as much as the others.
I feel lame because those friends I do have in the music department are older than I am, which means that they’ll leave to graduate soon.
I feel lame for spending a majority of my time with TAs and grad students because I can’t make friends my age. Instead I’m talking to a teacher assistant for an hour about stuff, instead of talking to other people I should be talking to.
Gosh how I wish I were more musical.

I trusted you

Lyssa — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 16:49:29 +0000

Now we all know someone who seems as though they wouldn’t gossip and spread your secrets because they don’t seem like the type of person.
However I guess I was wrong about it.
Now, I didn’t tell her anything about me because I don’t know her well enough to tell her anything about my personal life and its dilemmas, but someone who was close to her did and it really irks me.
I don’t know, I’m sitting here laughing about it because I honestly thought it was dead.
I thought there was no reason for anyone of the matter to bring it up in conversation.
There’s absolutely no need for that.
But anyways, I’m going back to the wall, reading my book, just like the way things should’ve been in high school.

I just feel left out

Lyssa — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:18:23 +0000

We’ve always been a trio but things have been different ever since our little quarrel.
I don’t know but when I hear that you guys hang out without me, I get somewhat jealous.

However, I shouldn’t be talking.
I’ve been meeting new people, amazing people at that.
I just wished those people went to the same school as me so we could kick it more often.
However they go to Long Beach City, which isn’t that far away, right?
Well they’re Chrystene’s little group of friends, and I’m guessing this means Chrystene and I may build our friendship back up again?
I hope so.

There’s a party on Friday and they all invited me to go.
The thing is, I don’t know where Manny lives so I’m going to have to find that out.

Confidence and Skill

Lyssa — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 08:00:55 +0000

I lack confidence.
I had my first lesson today with Mark Alpizar today.
I arrived at CSULB at 1:30 in hopes of snagging a practice room.
No luck.
There was a saxophonist practicing in B42, and B41 was empty, except for someone’s belongings on a chair.
So I just waited outside.
The owner of the belongings came and left, so I had the room to myself until Mark came.
Until he came, I was practicing my piece, trying to get the sixteenth note rhythms in my fingers.

He entered the room, saying he’s been watching me while he caught up with some of his old colleagues, and he said I have an embouchure problem. That’s one of the things we were going to fix.
He told me to play as loud as I could.
I couldn’t do it.
However he said he knew I can. He said he heard me at Mayfair back in the day.
“I know why you’re not playing loud. You’re scared and I know why. You’re afraid to squeak. That’s why you play soft. You’re afraid to squeak because you’re afraid someone’s going to make fun of you.”
He shown me a single page of music–the last page of the Mozart Concerto. It looked really beat up, like it’s been used a lot.
“Stand up,” he said.
We walked to the wall of the practice room and he held the piece against the wall and told me that we were going to do a breathing exercise with that piece of paper.
“I want you to hold the Mozart against the wall, and use your air to make it stick to the wall for three seconds.”
I laughed, I didn’t expect that to be a part of the lesson.
I was a wimp and couldn’t do it at first, I guess because I was embarrassed.
My second try, the music got caught on the light switch.
But I got it by my third try and it really helped me.
He took a look at my clarinet because Helen always made me take it in to every shop within the county.
He said it was perfectly fine. My instrument is a little bit younger than his. He said the reason it sounds so stuffy is because it’s been outblown because I marched with it for 2 years. It’s been overused for a clarinet its age. It made me regret not using that crappy plastic clarinet for marching season those two years.
He took a look at my mouthpiece. He was surprised to see that it was a Mitchell Lurie.
Honestly, I didn’t see what was so special about Mitchell Lurie–no one spoke of those products, it was always Vandoren for them, or Buffet.
He said that the type of mouthpiece I have is a really good mouthpiece and they don’t make them anymore, not since Mitchell Lurie died a couple years ago.
He said it’s the best mouthpiece I can get, and that I shouldn’t sell it.
Helen’s been trying to make me get rid of it for the whole semester, which surprised Mark because she loves Mitchell Lurie mouthpieces–in fact, she has one of her own and it’s her absolute favorite.
Well we worked on the first half of movement 1.
I found out that I don’t start notes properly. According to Mark, you have to start the note with your tongue gently on the reed, pushing air through before playing your note. When you want to play your note, you release the tongue slowly. I’m so not used to it because I’ve been playing wrong for the past eight years.
But by the end of the lesson, I got it.
I feel like I’m 10 times the clarinetist I was back in high school.
I think I can do this.
I just need to work on tongue and embouchure.
And I also have to make every single register sound completely the same.
And I have to open up my throat more.
This shall be fun.
But I think this is do-able.

I get it now

Lyssa — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:20:28 +0000

You’re sorry.
You didn’t mean it.
You want to be friends again in the future if possible.

Can you stop lying to me?

You say you miss me, but if you did, you wouldn’t have told everyone you wish you haven’t met me, or talk to me or be my friend. You wouldn’t tell them all the lies you told about me to make yourself look good.
I swear when this whole fight started, I wanted to punch you in the face, but Alex told me not to. He told me there’s good in everyone, except that sometimes people make stupid mistakes that they’re unaware of. If he hadn’t told me that, I would’ve hit you. I don’t care. You deserved it.
You, however, say that the lies don’t matter as long as I know what happened.
Fuck who cares if I know?
Will it stop the bullying if I know?
No! The people bullying me will still continue to do so because they don’t know that what you’re feeding everyone is a lie.

Do I hate you?
I should. But Alex said ‘hate’ is too strong a word to use, and that in given time everything will subside and be better. This will all blow over. It’s not going to. You’re not going to let it. You’re going to keep on pining for what you want, only to be left with nothing. You can’t gain anything back. You did what you did to multiple people–you hurt them all, and you expect everything to be okay in the end between them?
I think not honey.
You don’t deserve it.

You want me to be happy?
I would be happy if you told everyone that what you told them was a lie. I want you to tell her that the story you told her, was completely false. It’s burned to her mind and that’s the story being retold, in many variations.
It’s not fair.
I was happy, until I heard the story myself.
This is completely fucked.

And you said not to tell anyone.
Like you’re ashamed.